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••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave cares about us home viewers, by the way. Now, speaking of running, Dave has gotten to wondering what it would be like if tortoises were speedy, and hares were slow as molasses. Naturally Dave wonders how that would work out for humans who were running. 1/11/11 : There's another pesky snowstorm in store for New York City... (Dave promises the balcony will be plowed tomorrow. That's where the CBS guests sit.) The National Weather Service is on it. Since the warning may change, we've also issued a Warning Watch Alert Update Watch Warning. ••• Tom De Lay's going to the joint for three years for monkeying around with campaign finance funds, and boy, are his colleagues ever upset. / video: (various nebulae photos) (voice-over): "A mysterious green blob has been spotted in outer space. / Top Ten Charlie Sheen Excuses ••• Justin Bieber plugs an important documentary, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Martha was cooking items for a football-themed party. He said, "Martha, do you still hear from any of the cons? Dave wants to say something to Hosni Mubarak, and all Egyptians everywhere, for that matter, which brings us to "The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak." / video: (title graphics) (voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' " (Dave, at desk, looking troubled): "Hosni, Hosni, Hosni." (voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' " ••• Gov. ••• While Gerard Mulligan didn't join Chris as usual, we get tape of a mockumentary with Gerard and Chris's daughter Bridget "Bridey" Elliott, "Chris and Gerry with the NYPD." Chris began with Dave on Late Night from its start, and eventually became a writer.Dave's fascinated by the behaviors of members of the animal kingdom. ••• "Small Town News" / Ohio County Times-News, Hartford, Kentucky: B&W picture of a masculine-looking middle-aged woman, frowning for her picture, as they did way back when: "Do you know this lady? Mike Mc Intee reported in the Wahoo Gazette that those punks painted Alan Kalter's face green... / video: (snow scenes) (voice-over): "A major snowstorm is now a certainty for the Northeastern U. The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Watch, which will soon be upgraded to a Winter Storm Warning Watch, to be followed by a Warning Warning, then a Warning Watch Warning, then a Watch Watch Warning Watch, then the Warning itself. The National Weather Service: So advanced, it's simple." ••• interruption: Gene Szymanski, who's all bundled up, rolls onstage with an electric snowblower. / video: Speaker of the House John Boehner is blubbering somethin' awful over the recent verdict. ) ••• The Hubble Space Telescope has delivered a great image of a green blob in space. NASA officials can't identify what it is, exactly, but these images from the Hubble Telescope suggest it could be a light echo from a long-dead quasar, or quite possibly... A Shore Thing: Available at fine booksellers and auto detailing shops everywhere! / We see the girls outside on 53rd St., hoping for his autograph. " She paid her debt to society, and he shouldn't have said that. Mitt Romney presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Know About Mitt Romney. ••• desk chat: more on the Martha Stewart scandal, and how to apologize ••• Matthew Perry plugs Mr. Aaron Rodgers has had a tremendous postseason, and I see that continuing Sunday. Back to you, Dave." (Dave): "Thank you very much, Alan. Dave announced Abby Elliott's birth on Late Night on 6/17/87. " (Bob, with Egypt in the background): "Well, I'm tellin' you, nobody can even get into Cairo./ video: (clip): birds' bodies being collected (voice-over): "Due to recent tragic events, The Arkansas Bird Casket Company is currently back-ordered on blackbird-sized caskets..." (photos): various models of cute little caskets (voice-over): "..as The Imperial, The Executive and The Wings of Peace." (company logo) (voice-over): "The Arkansas Bird Casket Company: We're very sorry for your loss." (cutesy graphic) (first voice-over): "It's time for Oprah-Grams, featuring all the words you can make with the letters in Oprah Winfrey! " (ad graphic): "Creekwater Just 59¢" (voice-over): "Add a 16-ounce cup of creekwater for just 59 cents. Here's a blockbuster development: Dave turns the tables and suggests that he and Regis should hang sometime. Dave, Leno and Oprah were in the big Super Bowl ad in 2010.Hurry down to Popeyes®, because when these dead birds are gone, they're gone! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hannibal Buress (who was bumped on Dec. / video: When entering the Ed on 53rd St., he's approached by three yutes, as our cousin Vinny would call them. In 2011 we'll have a sequel, this time with Dave, Charlie Sheen and Hosni Mubarak! " ••• Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men is still popular, and other channels are looking at creating their own shows including characters with addiction problems.He comes out every night trying to make a great experience for the audience members, because they he'll have a great experience, too. Linda from Melbourne, Australia raised her hand to ask, "What is Dairy Queen? (Stay tuned for further developments.) ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 110-Year-Old Man ••• after commercial: Dave has a box of Dilly Bars, and a delighted Linda from Australia gets one! / Dave lists four people who know what exactly they're doing in broadcasting: 1. / video: (clip): a Verizon Wireless store (voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is poised to offer Apple's popular i Phone™ in a blow to the i Phone's long-time exclusive carrier, at&t." (clip): an at&t store and i Phone (voice-over): "at&t's strategy going forward will be to focus on our long-time core business: telegraph service. " "I just wanted to drown out this crap," Gene replies. "You've got to remove the suspenders." Then the neck warmer hits the floor. ••• Charlie Sheen was rushed to a hospital in recent days. Martha Stewart will appear on Friday, which means her episode was taped yesterday. " (Alan): "I had a crazy weekend, Dave." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you lose a black glove?Dave could tell that tonight's audience didn't want to be here. ••• Regis Philbin bravely reappears for another interview with Dave, and tonight our host has treats! Tonight Regis has stories about jobs he had before he was Regis, and his stint in the Korean War as a supply officer for the U. We hope to be Apple's rumored i Graph device." (photo): a telegraph key with an Apple logo (audio): Morse code "VI" (voice-over): "at&t: Please check the number and try your call again." Apparently it's not fashionable to capitalize AT&T these days. When Sully's running, his big old tongue flaps against his face. ••• There's more trouble with deceased birds plummeting from the sky. / Photoshop fun: Joining Donald Trump and Amy Winehouse with bird carcasses on their heads (or red hat, in this case) is His Eminence, Pope Benedict XVI. Taping of his show, Two and a Half Men, went on hiatus. ••• with closing credits: Keith Olbermann and Biff Henderson 2/01/11 : Dave likes salty snacks, but he thinks people are eating way too much salt. Moments later he's chowing down on multiple handsful of Na Cl. ••• monologue: "Charlie Sheen has 90 days of rehab at his house. Dave says he woke up with a hangover, but he hadn't been drinking. I saw one today down by 48th and 9th Avenue." ••• Chris Elliott (who Paul plays on with his "Bananas" song) plugs Eagleheart.Back in 2010, Harry Letterman got Sully, part Yellow Lab, part Satan. Please, if you know who this portrait belongs to, please call the Times-News. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Cosby interview and stories from college ••• The Black Keys sing. And then a Warning Warning Watch Warning, and then a Watch Watch. ••• monologue: "More dead birds last night: the Oregon Ducks." (Auburn beat Oregon in the national championship football game.) ••• It's another of Tom De Lay's weeping buddies. Wait a second." (clip): Someone wipes a goofy-looking thing aside, and we hear the squeaky sound you hear when you're cleaning a window with Windex® and Bounty®, The Quicker Picker-Upper™. We now return you to Webster, already in progress." (voice-over): "Be sure to pick up a copy of A Shore Thing, the debut novel of everyone's favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Snooki." (clips of various staff members) (voice-over): "Use it to prop up a wobbly table. " When Dave finds something he likes, he goes with it. For example, he once bought 2,000,000 pairs of socks that he liked. All of a sudden, for the last three weeks Dave can't get it to stick to his face, so he appointed his assistant, Brenda, to call 'em today, and they claimed they're having nozzle trouble. ) ••• back to the TTL ••• Vince Vaughn plugs The Dilemma. She is awesome.) ••• Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz plug the History Channel's American Pickers. 1/12/11 : interruption: Two warmly-dressed rascals wielding snow shovels approach Dave. ••• Dave has some colorful, elbow-length Vet-Pro™ gloves for handling some of the critters Jungle Jack Hanna is about to bring out. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Sunshine, and gives us too much information about current medical procedures. Chris says of his daughters, "I'm very proud of both of them," then goes on to say, "I've gotta tell you, the first time that Abby was announced on SNL, I was so proud, but the... the proudest moment for me was when you announced her and she came out on this show." ••• The National sing. 2/02/11 : Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg as a groundhog. I'm standing backstage in front of a green screen." (Dave): "Uh huh.
/ promo video: (clip of Paula) (voice-over): "Tuesday on CBS, Paula Abdul returns in Live to Dance. 1/06/11 : New York's just beginning to dig out of the garbage backlog from the Dec. / video: Two kids, all bundled up, are building a garbage man outside. ••• monologue: "And with so much garbage, the rats are crazy.
(Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. " ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel: Dave says, "This is how we make a living!
We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.
We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away." (photo): New York City seal (voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader).
Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy.